WEEK 1
it’s go time!!!
We're officially off to the races. All the pre-season jitters and butterflies have been worked out, and it's time to see what everyone is made of.
That also means the Commish Report is back! Doing our best here to knock off the cobwebs and provide riveting headlines, hot takes, overreactions and unnecessary narratives. No one is safe, leave your emotions at the door and let's get to it!
Week 1 Challenge: Hot Start - Team with the highest score (starters only)
Winner: Ju-Juke Skyywalker with 162.5
Yellow Pages (123) -vs- Captain Carl (106)
The Defending Champ looked to continue the victory parade as they took on this year's leading candidate for the Zach Ford award - Yellow Pages. The winning formula started with reigning Superbowl QB, Matt Stafford on opening night. So much hype, so much expectation...yet much like Personality Pedro Latorre, so little delivered. Pages hoped to take advantage of his opponent's sluggish return to the arena and mapped out a game plan to get his team's points flowing early. However, the RB department got jammed up quickly and the Wide Receivers barely had any luck pushing past the blockage. On the other side of the ball, C-Mac and James Connor put together a solid ground attack adding much needed numbers to Captain's point total. Out of options and needing some serious Drain-O to release the pressure, Pages got the relief he needed as blown coverage and Kirk Cousins' arm cleared the pipes for Justin Jefferson to flush out a whopping 41 points followed by a big 25 point contribution from Kyler Murray. Pages held a commanding lead moving into Monday night. Despite a last ditch effort from Javonte Williams - this ended up being one pipe the Captain could clog as he watched victory wash away into the hands of Pages.
JU-JUKE SKYYWALKER (162.5) - vs - Hurricane Ditka (116)
It was the grand opening of the Touchdown Torture Factory this week as owner Ju-Juke Skyywalker (yes that's a double 'Y' in there...we've already got copyediting on the horn) opened the doors to it's little shop of twisted victories and welcomed it's first customer all the way from the troubled streets of south Chicago, Hurricane Ditka. So much to see, smell and taste in this disgusting and wildly magical world of winning - the freshly stocked Patrick Mahomes, a newly packaged JuJu, and let's not forget the long standing fan favorites - Stefon Diggs and Austin Ekeler to name a few of the attractions you can experience. Ju-Juke had a special 'choose your own beatdown' set aside for Hurricane as every single player on the field produced highlight quality performances, sans Windy City favorite Cole Kmet who floated a goose egg up to the scoreboard. Diggs hauled in 34 points opening night followed by Patrick Mahomes who was out to scorch the earth with 5 TDs, two of them pulled in by Clyde Edwards-Helaire. Much like the events that unfolded in Jamison Theater in 2018, the massacre was legendary. Hurricane did their best to escape the with dignity as Ja'Marr Chase, Jerry Juedy and Jalen Hurts came in big, but very little output from the rest of the roster had Hurricane feeling more like a breezy gust of flatulence as Ju-Juke dominated this one.
Party Like A Gronkstar (70) -vs- Rollin With Mahomes (135)
This matchup was nothing to write home about. However, we can still drum up a little drama and excitement for the Constant Reader. For the first time in 3 years, Mahomes took the field with a new QB under center - the proven TB12 and his freshly reconstructed face. Mahomes also departed with the traditional ground heavy offense and opted to spread the field with a highly competent receiving corp. The big question behind all this was would this new chemistry gel, or would it fall apart faster than Hogan's Ramsey career. Both teams had players on the field for opening night but, like Hogan and the truth, their performances couldn't have been further from each other. Cam Akers earned a whopping donut for Party while Cooper Kupp was lights out - catching dimes and reeling in 33 points. The shellacking continued as Amon-Ra St. Brown and Jaylen Waddle continued the air assault on a poorly mismatch opponent. Party felt more like a Senior Citizens hang at the Fairview community center as Derrick Henry and Travis Etienne Jr struggled to do anything on the field. It was like watching a shark toy with its food after Party suffered a huge loss with Dak getting bit by the injury bug. Not one for remorse or mercy, Mahomes' bread and butter ground game came in for the kill as she nearly doubled up points on the scoreboard over Party. Easy W for the early champion contender and a lot of notes for Party to take back to the locker room as they sort out how to regroup next week.
Skipping Deebo (149.5) -vs- Blind Leading The Blind (135.5)
A lot of anticipation leading up to this matchup. After the league got a legendary taste of Mean Mr. Jean - his highly questionable draft strategy to spend big on Cordarelle Patterson as the number one selection and his affinity for Sprite on draft night - it was time to put the rubber to the road and see if things would pan out for Blind's sophomore season. Across the field was a determined Skipping Deebo who loaded his roster in a heavy campaign to get back into championship contention. At game time, big budget players Jonathan Taylor and Travis Kelce lit up the scoreboard in a near 60 point tally. The bold, and risky move, to start veteran Michael Thomas proved more successful than last month's SEO numbers as Thomas hauled in two TDs and boosted Skipping's total. Blind did their best to control the damage as A.J. Brown and Michael Pittman Jr. imposed their will on the field and some of the supporting cast delivered big performances. But with Elijah Mitchell going down early and DeVonta Smith dropping ZERO for the day, trouble was brewing. It was dogfight to the end marked by Shakespearan tragedy as Blind ran out of resources in their starting lineup to push the team to victory. Meanwhile, on their bench, quietly racking up a cool 23 points was number one pick Cordarelle Patterson. I don't know how Mr. Jean would feel about this controversial move, and it may push him to throw back something a little harder than the lemon lime favorite her nursed on draft night. Great output from Skipping to earn the W, but like we've seen with 2022 profit sharing, those numbers are hard to sustain. Time will tell if Skipping's got the fuel in the tank to go the distance.
The Suck Bus (126) -vs- Luke's Leftovers (123.5)
Looking to rebuild from last years ashes, Suck Bus went all and broke the budget - with apparently no real understanding of market value - for the highly coveted Josh Allen. Even with this cornerstone contributor there was still a lot of questionable calls around the rest of the lineup. Fresh off the spoils of creative warfare, Luke's Leftovers held an upper hand in early projections with a lot of offensive weapons carrying a lot of high potential. Josh 'Top Money' Allen kicked off the festivities with a 41 point performance but Leftover's quickly returned fire with a Pittsburgh defense that kept Joe Burrow and Co at bay. Add on a D'Andre Swift performance that looked more like something out of Techmo Bowl than a Detroit Lion's professional tackle footballer Leftover's was holding a steady lead. Even with early injury to Najee Harris, and mediocre outputs from his opponents roster, Suck could barely keep up. It wasn't until the sweet golden foot of Ryan Succop kicked the pigskin and brought Suck within an 8.5 point striking distance of victory. It all rested on Monday Night and the hands of Courtland Sutton. What kind of chemistry would he and Russell Wilson have on the field? It was a nailbitter most of the game as Russell did everything he could NOT to throw it to the big target. But late in the 4th quarter, down by .5, Sutton snatched the ball on a short slant route and ran this team over the goal line to victory lane - in fantasy land, the Denver Broncos played like garbage and utterly collapsed in the 4th quarter. A big early win for Suck and an equally devastating defeat for Leftovers.
America's Fantasy Coach (129) -vs- The Davante Code (107.5)
After missing last year's playoffs with a mediocre .500 winning percentage, The Davante Code took a play from the Ramsey Plus book and went back to the basics. Building from the ground up this offseason, they acquired the already proven and newly branded talents of Russell Wilson, Davante Adams, and let's not leave out the freshly suited up Washington Commanders Defense. Waiting in the wings and ready to put these Crusaders to the test was America's Fantasy Coach. New blood in the owners box - and a complete wild card to this racket of crooked misfits - Coach needed to make a big statement in this game. It was slow out the gate though as neither side appeared to understand what game they were actually playing. Code painfully watched Alvin Kamara and CeeDee Lamb perform like a failed Gazelle product demo while Robert Woods and Mike Williams didn't offer much hope for Coach. Things began heating up later in the day as Davante Adams torched the Raiders D with 32 points and gave Code a slight advantage. But Sunshine Herbert and Tyreek Hill quickly took back the lost ground tacking on nearly 50 points to Coach's total. The real nail in the coffin came in the form of Saquon Barkely and his meaty, muscular thighs. When those puppies hit the field it was lights out as he ran circles around the opponent and carried Coach to their first official Crooked Creatives victory.